I'm dying like..

I'm dying alone,

Like

I was born alone..

Your eyes were in amber like a color of sunset

Your eyes as a crow

fell from my

cat's eyes, once.


It was in the color of amber,

once reflected the color of sunset,

and became a marble of my cat's eyes

and fell on the ground..


Maybe it indicated something

still continues today..


It was making

echoing sounds

as it fell on the wooden floor

of the corridor in my apartment

where I was about leave..


It was echoing and fading away

as I walked away from the empty rooms

and I shut the door.


And my eyes were filled

with water

from Dead Sea..


Once you had eyes of crows

which reflected the color of sunset,

and they became marbles of my cat's eyes

in the color of amber.


I remember that,

and still is.

Love should be more Offering, not Suffering..

You just make me feel so sad,

that's all you do.


I need someone

who makes me smile.

Not the other way round.


I don't even know

if it's called Love or Hatred..


Something makes me so sad

is definitely not Love.

But it is not really a Hatred.


This is not a hatred,

but not love.


I need someone who makes me

feel so happy,

Not the way you do.


It may be not called " Love ".


If that is something make one feel happy,

it's definitely not called love,

but carelessness.


And this is not what I'm seeking for..


And if he doesn't wish for

my happiness,

says doesn't want to see me smile,

it's just a selfishness.


And it is definitely not the one

I'm looking for..


It shouldn't be something

chokes me to death.

Your love is choking me,

I cannot even breathe..


All I want to do is

getting out from this

vicious circle..


I don't want to go around the

same place any more..


You don't even care

how I feel

if you say so.


But you still carry on.


I need someone

who takes care of me

and love me, and spoil me..


You are not the one

who does

all these things to me..


Love should be

More Offering,

Not Suffering..


And Love shouldn't be

just one-way road..

That's how life should be.. with more colored

Life should be

more colored.


Not just

Black and white.

The Garden.

I remember

when my Grand Dad

was still there,

the Garden was beautiful..


but after he'd gone,

the Garden was getting

deteriorated day by day..

with the presence of

my Grand Mother getting larger,

that was the God Mother of devils

in my families

and I became totally alone there.


I remember

I felt really sad

the Garden was changing a lot,

distorted by her,

after he passed away..


He was a silent wise man,

with lots of cultural and artistic interests,

an intelligent elite

who'd got a style.


He had good tastes

on clothes and things he chose,

and everything.


He was the only one in that family

whom I really felt for,

there was no one else like that

in that entire families

on my father's side,

after he was gone..


I miss the Garden

he created..


That was the only good memory

in that house..


The Garden he created.

What makes the difference in the world you're alive ?

Love makes the difference

in the end.


What is in your heart

really matters.


Not how you look,

Not what you wear,

That is

what you have and carry

in your heart

makes the difference.


I believe so.


I hope

you do the same,

too.

R.I.P. Johnny (1952-1991)

He was only 38

when he passed away


He looked

even + 10 years or more.


Nobody really cared

about the sadness

lied in him..


When your loneliness roared,

people ignored it.


and enjoyed watching

while you're stoned

as a consequence.


What a sad world.

People made him an icon

so that he was totally isolated.


and the drug

took his life away

eternally

as a sequence.


And it made him an icon

forever.


I hope

you are not

as lonely as you were,

now.

A Tribute to Johnny Thunder's Life..

When I think of

Johnny's life,

All I could think of was

just isolation,

sadness,

and loneliness in his life

- especially the later one -.


Nobody really

took care of him

as an ordinary person

or what was really

in his mind..


He was the

" Icon " of Junkie Rock Stars.

I feel that

people definitely wanted to see him

getting deteriorated,

by taking drugs,

dying on his stage, also..


They thought

it was a cool thing

and funny thing to watch.

Because

that was the life style of

Punk Rock Icons,

just like Sid Vicious.


In fact,

people were making

fun out of him, I guess.


I don't think

his personal life was

happy at all..

without having

sweet home to return..


If the way of

society looks at things

were different,

maybe

he was not as lonely as

he was and,

still alive..


Rest in peace in heaven,

Johnny.


I hope

you're happier

on heaven..

World without you

”　世界は私と関係ないところで

廻っているのかもしれない。。　”


そう思う方が

楽かもしれない、と

思うことがある。。


Like being an invisible person,

you float in the air.


Sometimes,

I feel like

I'm not in the presence.


Am I out of my life

already ? ..


Imagine

when you're gone

after you pass away,

the world will be

just like this

without you..

Sorrows lie in your heart..

People don't see

the sadness or loneliness

lies in your heart.


Your sorrows

gave you a fuel

to go ahead

because that was

only way

to survive..


Music encouraged you

when you were

totally alone.


Now you live with it.


But people don't see

the sorrow lies

deep in your heart

which hasn't change

that much

since the first time

it visited your heart ..

" Rock Icons "

Society made them

dropped out,

and lifted to the Icon,

then

drop them again

from the Top.


Just like watching them

on Soap Opera

or Reality Shows

from TV windows

on the couch.


Just another tragedy

make them satisfied,

just like

watching new film

just came out.

It makes more buzz

on their ears.


People think

it's funny

to see

when you're totally stoned

even not able to walk properly

on the stage.

Because

that is what

Rock Icons do..

What has made them "Icon" ?

Why do people love

Rock Icons

in tragedy ?


Or tragedy

made them Icons ?..


They are not

plastics.


They are as same as us.


Maybe

more vulnerable

than ordinary people

who have

no problems in life.


They don't really know

their private lives.

They might have

more sorrows

than ordinary people.


Who know ? ..


What have made them Icons ?

Tragedy or People ..

Where My " Little " Garden came from..

I recall

when he said

he stood up in " Your Huge Garden ",

I immediately thought

he refers to my garden at the present.


But,

when he said so,

I started to imagine

My Old Garden

where my Grand Dad

used to take care of.


My Garden at the presence

is just little

compared to that garden.


That is the origine

of my just a " Little " Garden

at the present.


I recall

when I was there,

it was a Garden,

but just like a Forest.

Also all different kinds of birds

used to come to nest.


It was the acre of Japanese Garden

carefully

well looked after

by my Grand Dad

with tastes.


He was the

only person

who I really feel attached to

in that house of horror..


That is where

My " Little " Garden at the present

originally came from..


The garden

created by my own Grand Dad.

" FAME "

Everybody wears a disguise

in Music Industry,

Film Industry,

Fashion Industry,

or whatever related to " FAME ",

just like wearing fur coats.


Fame seems so glamorous

in the beginning,

but once you reach and get it,

you become addicted

afraid to fall,

and it could ruin your life..


Why do so many celebrities

have depression ?

Why do so many of them

take drugs

to console their souls ?


Money can't buy everything

even if now you have

enough money to

buy any kinds of drugs..


You cannot buy " Friendship "

with money.

The " Friendship "

you bought with money

will be gone

soon after your fame & money

are gone..


You cannot buy " Love "

with money,

you can only buy " Accessories "

to show off

when you walk around.


Money can't buy everything,

Love or Friendship

you really need.

Even if it gives you

easier access to any kinds of drugs.


But drugs cannot fill the gap

in between your heart,

your image and money

in which the fame created.


Instead,

it can ruin your life.

The reality in you roars and groans

when the loneliness is revealed..


Because

you are not living in the reality

any longer.

It's all illusion..


You can sell your image

and it buys you a dinner.

But with the money you get,

still you cannot buy everything.

If your soul is not there with you,

with your public image,

it just make you lonely and cry..


When your public image walks alone,

you're not with it any more

so that

you're forced to wear disguises,

like wearing those fur coats,

like anybody else in that industry.


That is called " FAME ".

You are the "Devil"

I'm not a Devil.


If you call me so,

you are the One.


Haven't you seen

your face

in the mirror ?


Devil is there.

That is you.


Can't you see

the Devil inside of You ?


If you call me a Devil,

you are the one,

definitely.


Everybody can see it

on your face.


You are shouting at yourself

and calling yourself " Devil ".


Can't you see Devil in you

in that mirror ?


You are the one,

You are the " Devil ".

Before I go..

Thinking,

I could've died

long time ago.


I'm still alive

after 30 years and also.


My life is not

as bad as then

'cause I stand

with my own foot.


All I could think of

was just getting out of there,

So I did.

From the ghetto of my soul,

my humble home,

before I was killed.


I don't need to return there

any more.


I don't need

any more hatred from them,

not love.


But still my past

is knocking on my door

and keeps telling me

that I was there..


I am haunted by

my own ghost..


Someday,

I'll be free,

I guess..

Better, I wish

before I go..

" A Fake "

Everybody pretends like

" How life should be "

on their Instagram, their blogs

or anything like that

so-called " Social Media ".


I'm sick of watching it !

Because

it's a Fake.


Is this

some kind of advertisement

to sell something ?


Or better,

they want to sell

some " Good Image " of them

seeking for something

in return.

That's what

really is.


Soon or later,

they think

they'll gain something

as a " Reward ",

Money,

or Reputation

or so-called " Friendship ",

or whatever .


That's what

they are seeking for,

really .


"  A Public Image "

that's what they want.

Love and Joy

Is life created

to be suffered ?


Not full of

Joy and Happiness ? ..


Well,

I think

it's supposed to be.


But

it's not always like that

in the reality.


How can I survive

without it ?


Love & Hope.


Well,

I think it's the same

for anyone, I guess.


We cannot live

without it..

Lost Memories

Lost memories,

I'm getting back.

All those years in darkness

revealed in my mind.


All those humble years,

in which

I cannot even remember

how I survived.


Those darkest days

of my life

in my youth,

is still choking me

to death.


My teenage was

full of darkness.


Nothing else.

Go to sea, before you're drowned..

Go to the sea

before you're drowned..


Go to the shore

and reverse

what you did..


Life is in slow motion.

It goes back slowly

to where you were

and drowned.


I looked for a help,

but there wasn't,

until I realized

no one come to get

to save me.


I stood alone

on the shore

soaking wet

from head to toe,

and thinking ..

" Well,

am I getting out of here

or die ?

There must be

somewhere around the globe

where I can feel happier

than this.. "


My youth was choking me..


Then my journey starts,

up till now..

Lived like a Punk Girl..

Once

I lived like a

Punk Girl

because

I didn't have a family

to rely on

when I needed it.


I lived like them

when I was a teenage,

because

it seemed

no friend was around

by my side

when I really needed it.


Well,

it hasn't changed

that much since then

'cause I still live alone.


Once

I lived like a

Punk Girl,

Maybe

I still is.

'cause

it seems that

my life hasn't changed

since then that much,

especially

my " surroundings "..

Take a pill before you go..

Take a pill

to calm me down.

Take another one

to dream.

Then you go

to a dreamland

without a dream..


Then, you wake up calm

next morning

'cause you didn't have a nightmare

which keeps on nodding on your head

to wake you up

all night through..


Take one before you go..

it becomes a lullaby in your heart..

R.I.P. Razzle..

Just like

Marc Bolan,

You were gone in the accident ..


Just like Johnny Thunders,

You played

" Pipeline " at Marquee,

where you'd met Michael

a year before

at his gig,

then you joined the band.


Just about

the Whole World awaited you,

you were gone just like a wind.


The accident took your life away..


What is the sense of life ?

What else can we say,

other than " Tragedy "  ?

What else can we think of

another excuse than " Fate " ?


Your youth was running

like a wild horse.


It doesn't seem

so long ago,

I feel just like yesterday..


That accident took your dream away, too.


What a sad story.

There's nothing else I can say...


R.I.P. Razzle
- from Hanoi Rocks -


You were gone,

but music still remains ..

Time flies in the air, being still.

Time is stolen.

I'll be there

with my wings open.

It won't fly,

it just stays in the air..


Words are thrown,

but thrown back to your face.

Exactly the same words

you casted to

someone else's face.


The sound you created,

always reaches someone's ear

and it creates some problems..


It's better to

keep your mouth shut

rather than making some noises,

I guess.


My wings will be open

in the sky

being still in the air.


Do you know what I mean ?


I will get back to you.

Works

People don't really appreciate

your work

if it's written

when you are happy.


Because it makes them feel like

being rejected

and isolated again.


People love your work

if it's created

when you

struggle to survive

and suffer.


Because they feel

being related to your pains

and attached to them.

It makes them feel like

they are not all alone.


Either way,

it's difficult to say

" I'm happy for you "

for someone else's happiness

if your state is not

as good as theirs.


Your works

always reflect

the state of your life.

After All, a Smile on His Face..

I think

maybe

he deserves to be

happy in the end

towards the end of his life

after all those years of

sufferings..


His past haunted him

for many years after

being separated from his humble home.


I don't know

if he can still write songs

as strong as before,

but at least, I guess

he will be able to smile

when he will be gone..

thinking

" My life was not as bad as

I had thought before ..

After all,

life can be beautiful .. "


I will be seeing

a smile on his face

in his coffin

if this state

lasts forever..


It's good for him,

I guess..

" Rock'n Roll Suicide "

He's done

all those

Rock'n Roll suicidal things.

Because

he thought

it was a cool thing to do..


All those

Rock and Punk Rock stars

he idolized did a same thing.

Anyone from

Keith Richards,

Iggy Pop,

Johnny Thunders

to Syd Vicious,

all that he loves.


But it's not cool thing to do,

die from overdose..

It just make people cry and feel so sad


He once lived like

going to be dead by 30

just like Jim Morrison.

There was nothing to lose

or be afraid of.

He just didn't want to be like adults

he was surrounded by.


Now he turns his 60,

thankfully

still kicking alive,

after going through all those things

finally realized,

he's done something wrong

to both his body and mental sides.


Life is not just all about

" Sex, drugs and Rock'n Roll "

There is more than that.


You can still live without it,

being sober.


That is just an excuse

to be a Rock't Roller.


Taking drugs.


Without being

too high and low,

you can still survive

and Rock'n Roll.


Die from overdose

is definitely not cool thing to do.

That is totally opposite.

It just make people feel sorry

and sad the rest of their lives..

Like being in a car crash,

it shouldn't take your life away..

A Sad Thing is that ..

A sad thing is that

we never know

that we came from

a Broken Family

until the certain

point of life.


Because

we don't really know

anything other than that.


We never know

a love within a family

really exists.


But now

I have my eyes wide open

and I know by now

my family is not normal

and it's not everything..

Shadow still remains..

A sorrow

lies in my soul

is so deep.


I cut it in half,

try to take out the core,

it's so large,

and its shell still remains

in the depth ..


It haunts me

like a ghost..


It's gone a long time ago already,

but still the shadow remains..


And drops of sorrows

move slowly

on the surface of my skin,

and drop from

the edge of the world ..

Family as a "Core" of You Life

You are just like me.

We both come from " Broken Family ".

We both know family is important.


'Cause

" Family " is the smallest unit on Earth,

but it's " Core " of your life.


We cannot choose the right one

from the beginning.

We cannot change our fate,

if you are born in that family.


But only thing we can do is

creating new one of our own.


I know I won't do the same thing

as they did to me.

They cannot affect my personality.

Because it doesn't exist in me.


I will give all my love and caring,

instead of hatred and violence.


I think we can do it,

even though we never receive it

from original one.

Because those negative things

have never existed in me.


At least,

It's good to know

I'm not like them at all.

I hate what they did to me.


I will cut all these chains of

vice from this vicious circle

received from my families.


Then,

I will be totally free.


I know

you are just like my real " imaginary friend ".

You have so much in common with me in life,

that's why, maybe,

I always like you and attracted by you.


And

My dream is to hold

a family with a smile

on their faces ..

I know, maybe

it's not that difficult for me to do it..

BROKEN FAMILY

My father is

a violent man.


My mother killed

herself.


I come from a

Broken Family.


My families are torn apart,

as you can expect.


My brother is a hater,

the other one is an

ignorant.

Both Cold-hearted..


They don't feel anything,

but just feel sorry for themselves.

They don't have any compassion towards the others.


They hide their cold hearts

behind their " masks "

of hypocricy.


So that

I come from the " Broken Family "..

in which I really hate.

" My Own Strength " to live through

People outside of my family

used to say

I am the only one

who has the sanity

in its mind.


and also often ask

" How could you live through this ?

Your life could've been much worse than this

within that family .. "


Maybe, I would say,

because I have " My own strength "

to get me through it.


I stand alone.

I survive with my own strength.

Those people cannot let me down.


I know nobody would come to help

if you don't stand alone

with your own strength.

People often don't come to console your soul.


I pull myself together and

I believe in my own strength.

That's why I could live through my life

up till now.

Is this called a " Depression " ? ..

I'm floating in the air

from time to time

feeling so sad for no reasons.


It is a cold winter day,

maybe the coldest in this winter

and maybe that is the reason why


I'm on an emotional jet coaster.

It shifts from one to another,

also the air pressure changes

every time I go up and down..


I don't know what to do with myself

for this change..


Is this called a " Depression " ?

Or maybe, it is.


I let it all that out from my guts

now I feel so empty.

Maybe it is a natural thing

to be depressed

after being through all these things in life ..


I hate winter time,

because it makes me feel so blue..

I'm fed up with this gray sky..

I hope the spring will come and arrive soon ..

" Poetic Diary "

I am writing this

as my will

or leave something

to make me think back

someday,

what I've been through

at the certain point of my life ..


This is called a

" Poetic Diary " as my will

that makes me or someone

someday

read back the thing I wrote today.

Appreciation of Life

You don't need to have

a fancy dinner

at a gorgeous restaurant.


Or buy a flashing car

and drive around

to show it off,


Or even stay in

a roof-top royal suite room

at 5 star hotel

to make you feel so happy.


This might make you feel so good

for the moment,

but this satisfaction

doesn't last forever,

and it doesn't make you happy in long-term.


After you had a dinner,

you go back to your hotel room

and feel so empty

being isolated from the rest of the world

and make you cry..


What you really need

is to look for a little happiness

besides you..


Appreciation for the kindness,

and the beauty of the nature,

and the beauty of the nature

of the people and animals, too.


This is called an " Appreciation of Life ".


You need to realize a little happiness by your side.

It will make you happy the rest of your life.

What is the beautiful thing in the world ?

It took me the worst

to realize

what is really the beautiful thing

in the world.


Just a small thing in life

can bring you a little hope

and happiness,

and makes you smile..


Just a warm greeting voice,

or a light from

in between the winter clouds,

or just a small flower

blooming at the corner

of your side walk..


You never know

what can bring you

a little happiness to your life.

And at certain point of your life,

it could save your life, too..

With Love of my life

I am a love of my life,

that is something

people cannot change.


I bring all the broken pieces

together

to construct

new structure of me.


At the edges of my mouth,

a little lifted ..


Hope are not yet gone,

and I'm still staying here

hanging on the edges

of the world

that used to be..


I am the love of my life.

Even though

there isn't anyone

who really loves me,

I can become one

who really care and love my soul

and console it ..


With all my love to my life,

I would be able to save my soul one day..

Place with Sun

I was watching

the ceiling and walls

in the air

at the hospital room.


Tubes were injected,

and my viens were swollen

I was a little unconscious,

asking myself

" What the hell,

am I still alive ? .. "


I thought it was a death sentence,

but the death sentence was

a little extended this time,

I am still alive,

saved at the edge of the cliff

And save it for the next time, maybe.


The first burden is gone..

I hope the second will be the same.


I'm here, still alive.

I start thinking of my second life,

if I have a chance to live,

with Sun.


I don't wanna stay here and die.

I'm looking for a place with Sun,

as a place to live

not to die.

Where am I going tomorrow ? ..

明日は

何処に行くのだろう？

この躰と共に。

重りから

解放された躰には

まだ

歩く力は

残って

いるのだろうか。。

" Released from my burden " interpretation

重りから解放された躰は、

宙に舞う。


そして、

地面に辿り着くまで

半分気を失ったようだ。


まるでそれは、

やわらかく

軽く小さな

鳩の表皮からでる羽毛が

風に揺られ、

それとともに、

中身を失った、

皮だけになったその鳩の躰が

右へ左へと

車が通る度に吹く

風に吹かれて、廻る度に

違う方向へと折りたたまれていくようだ。


そしてその

風に吹かれる度に

その羽毛は宙に舞い

失われて行く。

そして、

春の始まりの空気の中へと

飛び立っていく。


それは冬の終わりと

春の始まりの狭間の空間。


その重りの詰まった躰の

私はもうここにいないのかと

想像する。。

I'm resealed from the burden

その重りから解放された

躰は、ひらひらと宙に舞い、

蛻の殻となって

地面に降り立つ。


その躰からは、

柔らかく小さな羽毛が

飛び立ち、

その中身を失った躰は、

丸くなって

横たわっている。


皮だけになった躰は、

今はただ

車が通るたびに吹く

風に

ひらひらと、

揺られているだけ


私はもう、

ここには

いないのかもしれない。

My Garden Roses..

My life is getting back

its colours again.


My monotone garden roses

are returning to be

pink and yellow,

but still fiable and faint.


It's all up to my next big thing,

the operation.


But, at least

there is a " Hope "..

A Hope.

Now I feel

a little calm,

because my medical examination's result

was not as bad as

I thought.


But, we never know, still.


At least, the risk is lowered

and my anxiety is getting reduced.


I hate being in a hospital

but, at least

I can try to make me feel like

I'm going on a vacation

with my suitcase packed

with the things I need

for 2 weeks or also.


There isn't an outside swimming pool,

There is no fancy bar,

I'm sure I won't be appreciated

with the foods they provide us.


But,

at least

my anxiety is reduced.


My doctor said

we never know until

he opens my guts.

But, still

there is a good sign

to make me feel

that I will be able to live

a little longer..


That is called a " Hope "

A Big Surf.

My emotion is like a

Big Wave.


I'm fighting on it,

but just release your power

a little bit

and ride on it.


Then you become a

controller of the big waves

in the ocean.


You can handle it

if you release the power of

resistance a little bit.


Just ride on it

so that you will be able to

surf on it.


Just let it go and follow,

you are the surfer on the big emotions.


There's nothing to be afraid of,

you reach the peak and go down

and it will take you to the shore

safely in the end.


Just release your power

a little bit,

and you will be safe.


Just ride on it

so that you will be able to surf on it safely ..

My mood changes just like a weather..

My mood

changes like a weather

from one to another..


At certain point,

I feel cheerful,

then suddenly,

it falls like a parachute.


It's changing

from one to another

just like a weather.


I can't help it


Maybe just because

it's winter time

or maybe for

some other reasons..


My mood changes

just like a weather ..

" La goccia di felicità .. "

What ever it's called,

rain or

tears from heaven,


I had a sip

of water drops

from the weeping sky ..


Is this the drop of hope or happiness

" La goccia di felicità " ? ..


One of my Mexican friends,

she used to call

the last drop of something

" La goccia di felicità ",

it brings you a " happiness " in life.

Siren Sings ..

The girl

who whispered

was a thing

you created in your mind.


She's like a Siren

who allures you

to the hell's gate..


You are an sailor on the ship.

You hear the Siren's singing.

and she invites you

onto the rock

to be stranded..


Now you're stuck in the middle of nowhere

in the vast ocean ..

and about to sink


Still see

Sirens are dancing around you,

with laughter in the water.

When she tries to kiss you,

you drink only the bubbles

from her mouth.


You start to lose your consciousness

and she is still singing

until you get to the bottom..


You are not able to hear her voice any more,

but smile with your eyes closed

and when she finally kisses you,

she takes your last breath away...


You are dreaming of Siren

on the wrecked ship forever

sailing ..


She ruins your life,

then

she lives

forever ..


And now she gets her " eternal life "

as an exchange of your heart ..

Faces I could remember ..

Even though

I don't quite remember well,

there must have been

some happy times

when my mother

was still alive.


Although

I lost almost all

memories about her

when she was gone.


All I could remember

was some pieces

of humble times.


That was all I could remember

as if she never existed in me,

she disappeared..


Maybe

it was my dream ...

some happier times

in my memories,

which never existed

before I was born

after she's gone..


All I could remember was

her sad faces

and when went mad

before she killed herself ..


That was all I could remember

about my mother..

Maybe, she's gone already in me ..

Stepping towards the gallows..

My life is just like a Dead End.

I have a dead end life.


Instead of

" Happy Endings ",

my line always ends like

stepping towards gallows,

and swallowed into darkness.


I heavily feel

each step

on the staircase towards it.


At the very last moment,

I feel

the hanging blade

above my head

awaits me.


I hope

my life won't end like this.


Hope Not..

Angel's wings to fly

I feel like

I have wings to fly.


Just like an Angel,

those wings are invisible,

created naturally on my back.

They were born and growing

spontaneously

without notices.


They will take me

where ever I want to go.


Maybe,

it is to heaven,

perhaps,

or better,

I wish.


These wings

reduce

the burden on my shoulders.

I feel lighter, anyway.


It's nice to have

wings to fly again.


I dream of

flying over the gray sky,

to see the light above the clouds.

Heavy Rains

When we had heavy rains,

I used to go on my bicycle

to sing loudly.


'Cause nobody hear

that I'm singing,

and

nobody see me crying.


and nobody hear

what I'm shouting.


So that

rain erase my voice,

only my heart knows my voice,

and ease my soul

All by myself

It's good to know

that I've been through

all this

all by myself.


It's nice to realize

that I have that strength

left in me

in order to

go through this.


I can do all this

all by myself.


Now

it's better to be myself

rather than

rely on anybody.


It's nice to know

I can make it

all that happen

all by myself.


So that

I don't need to rely on

anybody ..


In the end,

we are all alone.

We have to live

all by ourselves ..

Staying inside until you bleed ..

You are just like me.

You stay inside

until you bleed.


You don't call for help

just like me.


You know

nobody would come

and 're scared to be

turned down.


You are just like me.

You came from

Broken Family.


You cannot easily trust

anybody..


You think

it's better to stay alone

rather than being rejected.


Life has turned me down

already.


I had enough

disappointments.


I don't need them

any more.


It's enough

already

before I go.

Fate ~ I'm going to where I'm led to .. in the end ~

I've just realized

I'm going through this

all alone.


There was no help at all.


I was all alone.


I knew

everyone was blinded.

They try not to see

the scar on

someone else's face.


Why do they talk to me

like being with Zombie ?

I'm still alive,

not dead, yet, though

they think I'm dead already.


I'm going to

where I'm led to ..


I cannot change my fate ..


Meaningless thing

would be

the most meaningful thing

in the end..


Who knows ?


Who knows our fates ? ..


Nobody

Heading to My Paradise

My days will be gone soon.

I'm running out of time.


I have just a little time left

for the final sentence to death.


My mind all should be

cleared by them.


Then,

my departure will be

ready

to " My own Paradise "..

'Til the death tear me apart from there

'til the death

tear me apart

from there

I continue writing..


I don't wanna leave

anything unsaid.


When I depart from Earth,

there will be nothing

to be left unsaid.


'cause I don't wanna leave

anything behind..

Broken Flying Bird on the ground

Once I dreamt of

flying over the

blue sky,

higher above from there

I wanted to see

the scenery on the ground.


But

Maybe

it was better just

crawling on the ground

from the start.


I've seen the beautiful sky already.


Now I feel like

I'm in a living hell.


If I had never seen the blue sky,

I didn't mind

to live in a total darkness

blinded.


I am a Bird with broken wings.


Now,

all I can do is

to crawl on the ground.

Water pond seems so far away from here.

It takes me ages

to get there

just to drink a sip of water ..


It took me just a

second to reach

when I had open wings..


Now

I just need to crawl on the ground

with my broken wings.


I wish

I'd never seen a blue sky.

Risky expectations

Expectation is dangerous.

You are pushed

from the edge of the cliff

later on.


If you don't expect at all,

you don't need to

fall on the ground

from the height.


It might be better being

on the ground

than being higher

above the sky

so that

you don't need to fall

and being hurt or broken.


So

just stay on the ground.

and Don't dream ..

Fetch me so soon .. and take me away

Death is strangling me.

I want to go there soon.

Because

I've done almost everything

that I wanted to do.


Death is calling me.

Please come to fetch me soon.


Death is coming towards me.

I don't mind

if I die soon.

Because

I've done almost everything

that I wanted to do.


I've been to the places

I wanted to visit,

and I had enough happy times,

not like my childhood.


My dream has finally come true

so that

I don't need to live

any longer ..


My childhood dream has been

accomplished that

" I wanna be happy .. "

And my happier family dream

would be saved for my next life.


So let me be taken away.

Because

I had already enough on Earth.

Riding on a surf of my emotions

Sometime

I ride on a stream,

a stream of my emotions

flow into the air

with words

come from my soul.


And I ride on a surf

of my emotions.

I'm going to wherever

surf takes me.


I don't know

where to end up.

Just let it go

and I will follow you

and you'll finally take me there.


So Just ride on it.

You're not my man.

I thought

you would be the one

I thought

you could understand me

I thought

we could get together

having fun

just by staying together

and having a conversation

with each others.


But you have broken them down

with your song.


You said I'm " dead "

in your song,

then said

you don't want to see my happy faces.


I don't want to stay with the man

who feel this way,

I want to be with the one

who feel happy

to see a smile on my face.


Would you want me to die ?

If I die,

Will you be satisfied ?

If I will do so soon,

I will haunt you.

Do you want to see

my sad death mask ?

Is that what you want ? ..


I was just unlucky again.

You are not the man

I wanted.

Now I know well.


There's nothing left

to be said

about you.



2019/01/26 and today.

Truth will be revealed..

Sadness reveals

what you really are

and Let it show

who you really are.


And if they see

the truth of yourself,

Let them judge you.


I'm what you see

there's nothing to hide

any more.


Let them judge you

on who you are

if you show everything

in front of them.


Even though

there's no friend left,

you become your friend to yourself.


It's the only faithful friend

exist on Earth.


So, don't betray yourself,

and Be true to yourself

and then,

they will see the truth in you.


Truth will be revealed in the end

at each one's heart,

showing

who you really are

and who they really are..


There's nothing to lose

any more

if the truth is revealed..

You are yourself in the end.

" You are not your skin "

People judge on

what they see

on your skin.

It is called prejudice.

But it's not everything.


Tattoos on your skin

is what your scars become.


" So don't let them judge you on

what they see on your skin. "


I know you're the loneliest person

on Earth

just like me, Nikki.

I know well

" You are not your skin. "


Don't let them judge you

from what is seen

from outside.


And don't be afraid to show

what you really are,

who you really are


So that people will see your smile

and true colors,

and then, they will start to love you, too..


So you will be not all alone

And I will love you always.


* " You are not your skin "
is a quotation of the lyrics
from song called " Skin " by Sixx a.m.

Writing poetry, instead.

I don't write a diary.

I write a poetry instead

to express myself,

and how I feel

at the moment.


It releases the burden of my soul

that's why

I love writing poetry instead

to express my feelings.


Words flow into the air

and I try to catch them

and find the words

which fit to my mood of my soul

at that moment.


You cannot predict before hand

what kind of poetry is

about to be born

until it finishes.


I feel better doing it

rather than

expressing in exact words.


So, this is the way I do

to release the burden of my soul.

" Feel so connected " continued..

My soul will be saved

by having

those kinds of connections in life,

I guess.


Having those kinds of connections,

my soul will be saved

at the end of the day

Prescription

I went to see psychiatrist

the other day.


He was kind

and listened to my stories.

But his treatment would not help

my darkest side

because he just gave me

a prescription.

There will be no more

talking session as counseling.


At last,

I had a medicine.

But it was not something

that I wanted or looked for.


I just need

someone to talk to ..

Fatal Disease..

My deepest sorrow is

just like a fatal disease.


It flies in my head

just like a butterfly.


I'm not flattered,

in fact,

it's other way round..


It seems to go away

but it comes back

from time to time.


It's just like a fatal disease.


It will never go away

like leaving shadows

on my heart.


Those butterflies will never go away.


Just like a heart failure,

there is always a shadow of those butterflies

like a stain on my heart..

Surgery won't work on my sorrows..

I wanted to take out

my deepest sorrow

but it won't be taken away

even by surgery


So what can I do ?


It stays as well as pleasure

within our hearts

so that it will never go away.


Just like old friend,

it stays

and just like our shadow

it won't be separated from us

as long as we stay on Earth.


It will never go away

so we just need to learn

how to cope with it..


Just like at the moment of joy,

also this moment of sadness

we have to accept them all.


Even though

it's tough to learn ..

So don't try to throw it away

The reason why I'm writing.

Maybe

I'm writing this

to be remembered

any how.


As a proof of my life,

and my existence

on Earth.


To be recalled

I existed here once

at that exact moment.


The moment might be

layered in your life, too.


So I want to be remembered

after I'm gone

some how..


That's why I continue writing

till the end of my days.

Bonjour Tristesse

Bonjour Tristesse,

I live today

so I feel the sorrow.


Bonjour Bonheur,

Hey, I'm happy

because I live today.


Hello every sentiment of my life.

I live today

that's why I feel all these emotions.


Sadness is part of your life,

as well as happiness

and many others.


I still live today

that's why I feel them.

So let me accept all these sorrows

as well as others.


So that maybe I won't be haunted

by the sorrow anymore ..

Escape from " La catena di tristezza "

『　私は

溢れ出る悲しみから

逃れようとして来た。

そしてそれを追い払う術を

身に付けようとしていた。。』


I was trying to escape from

the sorrow which flows out

from my heart.

And I was searching for

the way to dismiss it ..


But now I defeated against it.

I've realized that

I shouldn't have made it go away

because it always stay there

and haut me.


Now I know

all I have to do was just

" to accept "

the sorrow

as part of my life,

rather than escape from it,

just like " pleasure " or other sorts of emotions.

And then,

it becomes a hope

to continue to live my life again.


Just accept as it is

as a living proof ..

and let them flow

Just accept it as a living proof ~ 悲しみから逃れる術 ~

絶え間ない悲しみが

私を襲って、

苦しめようとする。


私は、そこから

逃げ切れることが

できるのだろうか？・・


その答えは、

永遠に

みつからない。


あるとしたら、

それは

私がここに

「生きているから」。


でもそれを、

死をもって断ち切ろうとしては

いけない。


何故なら、

自らそうすることで、

その悲しみは

周りにも普及し、

死後も更に

加速していってしまうから。


それこそ、

永遠に

逃れなれなくなってしまう。


それはきっと、

その悲しみの

ありのままの姿を

受け入れること。

そして、

そのような感情が

正常であるということを。


よろこびや、

悲しみもまた、

私たちが

生きている証に

違いない。

The reason why I like French literature and movies

People look

or they try to look like

they are " happy ".


But in reality, they aren't.


People don't show

what they are really feeling

if it's not a positive emotion.


Maybe

it is just because

the pressure comes from

the community,

society,

and its mentality.


In some countries in Europe,

such as France,

people don't really mind

showing their negativeness

and get down deeper

to figure out

" Why " it's occurred.


That's why I love

French literature and movies,

because they often reveal

the other side of our " Happy Faces ",

which isn't normally seen on our surface.


However,

even though it's questioned,

there is no clear answer

to " Why do we feel this way ? .. "


Maybe

it is the question

that we carries out until

our final moments,

but we cannot still

give correct answer to it.


We drag these feelings

to our final moments

and still

we cannot figure out " Why "


Deeper sentiments

hidden behind

those " happy faces ",

sadness,

darkness,

ugliness,

egoism,

resentfulness,

envies,

or what so ever

categorized as " negative feelings "

which comes from

deeper ourselves

cannot be resolved

until the last moment.


These are the things

we cannot solve

within our lives.


Maybe

that's why people often call it

" C'est la vie " ..

Go faster to live & Slow down to death

When I was younger,

I was not afraid of death.

I didn't mind

if I die tomorrow.


Live for the moment,

Think the rest later,

What was important

was to give life to

the each moment.


There was nothing to be regretted,

as long as I lived for today.

Think about tomorrow

when it comes,

if it comes.


It didn't matter

how long I was going to live.

I had that strength

and energy

to blow everything

in front of me..


Now,

those days have gone.

I sit all alone

in my house.

There's nobody to talk to

to share my sprit with.


I don't know

if I'm satisfied with all,

the life after the separation

from my cursed family.

My departure was the

moment to live

from such a deadlock situation

and I started my new life

and I survived.


It was such a long time ago,

but it seems yesterday

and all comes back to my mind

how I felt

and all my pain inside.


Those days were not my

best time of my life,

but I was trying my best

to survive

and go ahead.


But now,

I get older,

and my strength is dying out.

I had enough with those fights.

Now I don't mind losing the game at all.

That's all different from

long time ago.


After all those years,

I had some

happier moments than these.


Maybe, I'm satisfied with these experiences already.

Maybe, there's no more left on Earth

to push me harder to go to the next stages.

So I may not need to go any further any more..


I'm at the edge of the cliff.

I don't know

which way I may go..