Each Wednesday evening..

I remember

what we did

on each Wednesday evening..


Sat in your bar,

watching music videos

Toasted together

& drinking alcohol..


It was a happy moment

We didn't do anything special

but just talked


It was a cozy moment

Just looking into your eyes

and you smiled


I remember the night

we spent together

When I smiled at you,

you blushed

You enjoyed my company, too

I was happy


Just looking at your face

made me so happy


I hoped those moments

would last forever

But Life wasn't easy..

Always, Same old story

Just like home never had..

I remember

the night

we spent together at your bar

watching

a series of music videos.


We were all alone,

there was no one else

at your place.


We had casual talks about it,

but it was a

special moment for me


Because it was so cozy,

and made me feel at ease

like home I've never had..

Don't believe in happiness, but..

I don't believe in happiness,

but this time,

maybe,

I do

Fortuneteller..

Fortuneteller

that I had today

His words calmed me down

to be sure for sure


I was luck of confidence

in everything

but he changed the whole prospect

to be secured of myself


He told me

You & I

We might have a future together,

" You have a lot of things in common,

some people don't have a future,

but you guys do,

So just take time .. "


I thought at first

it was silly to ask

a fortuneteller about our future

but each of his words

rang my bells

deep inside of my heart..


His words were

just like reading our minds

How does he know

our exact current situation

and how we feel about each others ?


He's a wise man.

That's why he is called

A " Fortune Teller "


It just happened to meet him today

just like it always has been

at the right time

in my life..


Happy to meet you

today

again,

& Thank you

Autumn breeze calm me down a little..

I need to calm down

my head a little

and stay calm


Keep away from

the summer heat

that I've just had


To get to used to

the autumn breeze

just in front of me


Before it comes,

I need to calm down a little

and keep distance from the rest of the world..


To get ready for the cool & dry autumn breeze

just ahead of me


Otherwise,

I might destroy everything,

everything I need


Don't go impulse

You would lose everything you need,

that could be the most important

& precious thing in your life


It could be you..


Autumn breeze helps calm me down..


It might bring

something good & positive to

A life ahead of us,

who know ?

Love - a kind of thing like -

I was hurt

Because I love you

Now I know.


I hated you

Because I wanted you

I was angry

Because I needed your attention.


All I know now is that is

because I love you.


This is the process

we need to get through

before the long road ahead of us,

Maybe,

I suppose so,

Or I believe so.


All I've know afterwards

is the fact I love you.


I hope

this is just a beginning for both of us.


I still love you, baby..

My love

The Summer Breeze is Gone..

Summer made me crazy

and horny like honey.


I was crazy for you,

That was true.


But those days've gone

Summer is over

As the summer breeze's

fading into the twilight,

The fever is gone..


Now your BD is over,

Everything turns to grey


My illusion has been destroyed

and broken into pieces

when someone came into my door

as " A Messenger " ..


He told me the truth

that I'd never known

I was astonished

Because I never thought that way

The life turned upside down..


As he walked in,

Everything has changed

Just like " his personal revenge "

lies deep inside his heart

To someone

who inherited his love towards

the same woman

that he'd loved once..


He knew

I was going to tell him.


Something torn us apart

That is the truth

we cannot change or erase


There was something

separates us from the Summer Fever

As the dry breeze comes from the West

has just arrived

The fever in between us has been blown away

That is called

" Fall " into darkness.

When the storm comes in my life..

The wind starts to blow

Maybe the storm comes soon

Lightning and thunder,

soon they will

wash away

all of my sorrows

carried in my life ..

The Voice from Heaven

Can you hear me ?

I'll be there one day

up in the skies

and till I become ash

I live my life on Earth.


Can you hear

what the wind says ?

This is the voice from heaven,

The voice we are hearing..


You are not here any more

but I can still

hear you singing


Memories still survive

in my heart

even after you're gone


Your voice is still echoing in the skies

as you sing

that is the

Voice from Heaven..

as a proof

once you existed here

Shooting stars in the skies

My tears become
shooting stars in the skies

Thousand sorrows
become the stars
falling from the skies
as I watch
Milky Way
in my heart

Who was that star ?
" Do you still remember ? ",
" Do you still recall
who it was .. ? "

I still remember
who you were

You were my star in the skies.

Can't cope with any more sadness 'til we meet up in heaven..

It's too many " RIP " on my pages

How many times
do we have to mourn ?
mourn about
the people who has just passed away..

Lou Reed has gone
David Bowie has gone
Lemmy has gone
Dolores has gone
and Michiro has gone lately..
and too many others
to mourn too much

Too much sadness
flows out from my heart
I cannot cope with it
I cannot cope with any more sadness

Where have all those people gone ?..

How many times
do we have to say " Good-bye "
'til we meet up in heaven ?..

It's just too much

I just want to run, escape and hide from it.

but thousand sadness are
still chasing me
in the weeping clouds..

I don't want to say good-bye to anyone any more
till I become ash,
till we meet up in heaven
up in the sky, one day

and I hope this is not the end
'til we meet up in heaven
one day..

RIP Dolores..

I'm dying like..

I'm dying alone,

Like

I was born alone..

Your eyes were in amber like a color of sunset

Your eyes as a crow

fell from my

cat's eyes, once.


It was in the color of amber,

once reflected the color of sunset,

and became a marble of my cat's eyes

and fell on the ground..


Maybe it indicated something

still continues today..


It was making

echoing sounds

as it fell on the wooden floor

of the corridor in my apartment

where I was about leave..


It was echoing and fading away

as I walked away from the empty rooms

and I shut the door.


And my eyes were filled

with water

from Dead Sea..


Once you had eyes of crows

which reflected the color of sunset,

and they became marbles of my cat's eyes

in the color of amber.


I remember that,

and still is.

Love should be more Offering, not Suffering..

You just make me feel so sad,

that's all you do.


I need someone

who makes me smile.

Not the other way round.


I don't even know

if it's called Love or Hatred..


Something makes me so sad

is definitely not Love.

But it is not really a Hatred.


This is not a hatred,

but not love.


I need someone who makes me

feel so happy,

Not the way you do.


It may be not called " Love ".


If that is something make one feel happy,

it's definitely not called love,

but carelessness.


And this is not what I'm seeking for..


And if he doesn't wish for

my happiness,

says doesn't want to see me smile,

it's just a selfishness.


And it is definitely not the one

I'm looking for..


It shouldn't be something

chokes me to death.

Your love is choking me,

I cannot even breathe..


All I want to do is

getting out from this

vicious circle..


I don't want to go around the

same place any more..


You don't even care

how I feel

if you say so.


But you still carry on.


I need someone

who takes care of me

and love me, and spoil me..


You are not the one

who does

all these things to me..


Love should be

More Offering,

Not Suffering..


And Love shouldn't be

just one-way road..

That's how life should be.. with more colored

Life should be

more colored.


Not just

Black and white.

The Garden.

I remember

when my Grand Dad

was still there,

the Garden was beautiful..


but after he'd gone,

the Garden was getting

deteriorated day by day..

with the presence of

my Grand Mother getting larger,

that was the God Mother of devils

in my families

and I became totally alone there.


I remember

I felt really sad

the Garden was changing a lot,

distorted by her,

after he passed away..


He was a silent wise man,

with lots of cultural and artistic interests,

an intelligent elite

who'd got a style.


He had good tastes

on clothes and things he chose,

and everything.


He was the only one in that family

whom I really felt for,

there was no one else like that

in that entire families

on my father's side,

after he was gone..


I miss the Garden

he created..


That was the only good memory

in that house..


The Garden he created.

What makes the difference in the world you're alive ?

Love makes the difference

in the end.


What is in your heart

really matters.


Not how you look,

Not what you wear,

That is

what you have and carry

in your heart

makes the difference.


I believe so.


I hope

you do the same,

too.

R.I.P. Johnny (1952-1991)

He was only 38

when he passed away


He looked

even + 10 years or more.


Nobody really cared

about the sadness

lied in him..


When your loneliness roared,

people ignored it.


and enjoyed watching

while you're stoned

as a consequence.


What a sad world.

People made him an icon

so that he was totally isolated.


and the drug

took his life away

eternally

as a sequence.


And it made him an icon

forever.


I hope

you are not

as lonely as you were,

now.

A Tribute to Johnny Thunder's Life..

When I think of

Johnny's life,

All I could think of was

just isolation,

sadness,

and loneliness in his life

- especially the later one -.


Nobody really

took care of him

as an ordinary person

or what was really

in his mind..


He was the

" Icon " of Junkie Rock Stars.

I feel that

people definitely wanted to see him

getting deteriorated,

by taking drugs,

dying on his stage, also..


They thought

it was a cool thing

and funny thing to watch.

Because

that was the life style of

Punk Rock Icons,

just like Sid Vicious.


In fact,

people were making

fun out of him, I guess.


I don't think

his personal life was

happy at all..

without having

sweet home to return..


If the way of

society looks at things

were different,

maybe

he was not as lonely as

he was and,

still alive..


Rest in peace in heaven,

Johnny.


I hope

you're happier

on heaven..

World without you

”　世界は私と関係ないところで

廻っているのかもしれない。。　”


そう思う方が

楽かもしれない、と

思うことがある。。


Like being an invisible person,

you float in the air.


Sometimes,

I feel like

I'm not in the presence.


Am I out of my life

already ? ..


Imagine

when you're gone

after you pass away,

the world will be

just like this

without you..

Sorrows lie in your heart..

People don't see

the sadness or loneliness

lies in your heart.


Your sorrows

gave you a fuel

to go ahead

because that was

only way

to survive..


Music encouraged you

when you were

totally alone.


Now you live with it.


But people don't see

the sorrow lies

deep in your heart

which hasn't change

that much

since the first time

it visited your heart ..

" Rock Icons "

Society made them

dropped out,

and lifted to the Icon,

then

drop them again

from the Top.


Just like watching them

on Soap Opera

or Reality Shows

from TV windows

on the couch.


Just another tragedy

make them satisfied,

just like

watching new film

just came out.

It makes more buzz

on their ears.


People think

it's funny

to see

when you're totally stoned

even not able to walk properly

on the stage.

Because

that is what

Rock Icons do..

What has made them "Icon" ?

Why do people love

Rock Icons

in tragedy ?


Or tragedy

made them Icons ?..


They are not

plastics.


They are as same as us.


Maybe

more vulnerable

than ordinary people

who have

no problems in life.


They don't really know

their private lives.

They might have

more sorrows

than ordinary people.


Who know ? ..


What have made them Icons ?

Tragedy or People ..

Where My " Little " Garden came from..

I recall

when he said

he stood up in " Your Huge Garden ",

I immediately thought

he refers to my garden at the present.


But,

when he said so,

I started to imagine

My Old Garden

where my Grand Dad

used to take care of.


My Garden at the presence

is just little

compared to that garden.


That is the origine

of my just a " Little " Garden

at the present.


I recall

when I was there,

it was a Garden,

but just like a Forest.

Also all different kinds of birds

used to come to nest.


It was the acre of Japanese Garden

carefully

well looked after

by my Grand Dad

with tastes.


He was the

only person

who I really feel attached to

in that house of horror..


That is where

My " Little " Garden at the present

originally came from..


The garden

created by my own Grand Dad.

" FAME "

Everybody wears a disguise

in Music Industry,

Film Industry,

Fashion Industry,

or whatever related to " FAME ",

just like wearing fur coats.


Fame seems so glamorous

in the beginning,

but once you reach and get it,

you become addicted

afraid to fall,

and it could ruin your life..


Why do so many celebrities

have depression ?

Why do so many of them

take drugs

to console their souls ?


Money can't buy everything

even if now you have

enough money to

buy any kinds of drugs..


You cannot buy " Friendship "

with money.

The " Friendship "

you bought with money

will be gone

soon after your fame & money

are gone..


You cannot buy " Love "

with money,

you can only buy " Accessories "

to show off

when you walk around.


Money can't buy everything,

Love or Friendship

you really need.

Even if it gives you

easier access to any kinds of drugs.


But drugs cannot fill the gap

in between your heart,

your image and money

in which the fame created.


Instead,

it can ruin your life.

The reality in you roars and groans

when the loneliness is revealed..


Because

you are not living in the reality

any longer.

It's all illusion..


You can sell your image

and it buys you a dinner.

But with the money you get,

still you cannot buy everything.

If your soul is not there with you,

with your public image,

it just make you lonely and cry..


When your public image walks alone,

you're not with it any more

so that

you're forced to wear disguises,

like wearing those fur coats,

like anybody else in that industry.


That is called " FAME ".

You are the "Devil"

I'm not a Devil.


If you call me so,

you are the One.


Haven't you seen

your face

in the mirror ?


Devil is there.

That is you.


Can't you see

the Devil inside of You ?


If you call me a Devil,

you are the one,

definitely.


Everybody can see it

on your face.


You are shouting at yourself

and calling yourself " Devil ".


Can't you see Devil in you

in that mirror ?


You are the one,

You are the " Devil ".

Before I go..

Thinking,

I could've died

long time ago.


I'm still alive

after 30 years and also.


My life is not

as bad as then

'cause I stand

with my own foot.


All I could think of

was just getting out of there,

So I did.

From the ghetto of my soul,

my humble home,

before I was killed.


I don't need to return there

any more.


I don't need

any more hatred from them,

not love.


But still my past

is knocking on my door

and keeps telling me

that I was there..


I am haunted by

my own ghost..


Someday,

I'll be free,

I guess..

Better, I wish

before I go..

" A Fake "

Everybody pretends like

" How life should be "

on their Instagram, their blogs

or anything like that

so-called " Social Media ".


I'm sick of watching it !

Because

it's a Fake.


Is this

some kind of advertisement

to sell something ?


Or better,

they want to sell

some " Good Image " of them

seeking for something

in return.

That's what

really is.


Soon or later,

they think

they'll gain something

as a " Reward ",

Money,

or Reputation

or so-called " Friendship ",

or whatever .


That's what

they are seeking for,

really .


"  A Public Image "

that's what they want.

Love and Joy

Is life created

to be suffered ?


Not full of

Joy and Happiness ? ..


Well,

I think

it's supposed to be.


But

it's not always like that

in the reality.


How can I survive

without it ?


Love & Hope.


Well,

I think it's the same

for anyone, I guess.


We cannot live

without it..

Lost Memories

Lost memories,

I'm getting back.

All those years in darkness

revealed in my mind.


All those humble years,

in which

I cannot even remember

how I survived.


Those darkest days

of my life

in my youth,

is still choking me

to death.


My teenage was

full of darkness.


Nothing else.

Go to sea, before you're drowned..

Go to the sea

before you're drowned..


Go to the shore

and reverse

what you did..


Life is in slow motion.

It goes back slowly

to where you were

and drowned.


I looked for a help,

but there wasn't,

until I realized

no one come to get

to save me.


I stood alone

on the shore

soaking wet

from head to toe,

and thinking ..

" Well,

am I getting out of here

or die ?

There must be

somewhere around the globe

where I can feel happier

than this.. "


My youth was choking me..


Then my journey starts,

up till now..

Lived like a Punk Girl..

Once

I lived like a

Punk Girl

because

I didn't have a family

to rely on

when I needed it.


I lived like them

when I was a teenage,

because

it seemed

no friend was around

by my side

when I really needed it.


Well,

it hasn't changed

that much since then

'cause I still live alone.


Once

I lived like a

Punk Girl,

Maybe

I still is.

'cause

it seems that

my life hasn't changed

since then that much,

especially

my " surroundings "..

Take a pill before you go..

Take a pill

to calm me down.

Take another one

to dream.

Then you go

to a dreamland

without a dream..


Then, you wake up calm

next morning

'cause you didn't have a nightmare

which keeps on nodding on your head

to wake you up

all night through..


Take one before you go..

it becomes a lullaby in your heart..

R.I.P. Razzle..

Just like

Marc Bolan,

You were gone in the accident ..


Just like Johnny Thunders,

You played

" Pipeline " at Marquee,

where you'd met Michael

a year before

at his gig,

then you joined the band.


Just about

the Whole World awaited you,

you were gone just like a wind.


The accident took your life away..


What is the sense of life ?

What else can we say,

other than " Tragedy "  ?

What else can we think of

another excuse than " Fate " ?


Your youth was running

like a wild horse.


It doesn't seem

so long ago,

I feel just like yesterday..


That accident took your dream away, too.


What a sad story.

There's nothing else I can say...


R.I.P. Razzle
- from Hanoi Rocks -


You were gone,

but music still remains ..

Time flies in the air, being still.

Time is stolen.

I'll be there

with my wings open.

It won't fly,

it just stays in the air..


Words are thrown,

but thrown back to your face.

Exactly the same words

you casted to

someone else's face.


The sound you created,

always reaches someone's ear

and it creates some problems..


It's better to

keep your mouth shut

rather than making some noises,

I guess.


My wings will be open

in the sky

being still in the air.


Do you know what I mean ?


I will get back to you.

Works

People don't really appreciate

your work

if it's written

when you are happy.


Because it makes them feel like

being rejected

and isolated again.


People love your work

if it's created

when you

struggle to survive

and suffer.


Because they feel

being related to your pains

and attached to them.

It makes them feel like

they are not all alone.


Either way,

it's difficult to say

" I'm happy for you "

for someone else's happiness

if your state is not

as good as theirs.


Your works

always reflect

the state of your life.

After All, a Smile on His Face..

I think

maybe

he deserves to be

happy in the end

towards the end of his life

after all those years of

sufferings..


His past haunted him

for many years after

being separated from his humble home.


I don't know

if he can still write songs

as strong as before,

but at least, I guess

he will be able to smile

when he will be gone..

thinking

" My life was not as bad as

I had thought before ..

After all,

life can be beautiful .. "


I will be seeing

a smile on his face

in his coffin

if this state

lasts forever..


It's good for him,

I guess..

" Rock'n Roll Suicide "

He's done

all those

Rock'n Roll suicidal things.

Because

he thought

it was a cool thing to do..


All those

Rock and Punk Rock stars

he idolized did a same thing.

Anyone from

Keith Richards,

Iggy Pop,

Johnny Thunders

to Syd Vicious,

all that he loves.


But it's not cool thing to do,

die from overdose..

It just make people cry and feel so sad


He once lived like

going to be dead by 30

just like Jim Morrison.

There was nothing to lose

or be afraid of.

He just didn't want to be like adults

he was surrounded by.


Now he turns his 60,

thankfully

still kicking alive,

after going through all those things

finally realized,

he's done something wrong

to both his body and mental sides.


Life is not just all about

" Sex, drugs and Rock'n Roll "

There is more than that.


You can still live without it,

being sober.


That is just an excuse

to be a Rock't Roller.


Taking drugs.


Without being

too high and low,

you can still survive

and Rock'n Roll.


Die from overdose

is definitely not cool thing to do.

That is totally opposite.

It just make people feel sorry

and sad the rest of their lives..

Like being in a car crash,

it shouldn't take your life away..

A Sad Thing is that ..

A sad thing is that

we never know

that we came from

a Broken Family

until the certain

point of life.


Because

we don't really know

anything other than that.


We never know

a love within a family

really exists.


But now

I have my eyes wide open

and I know by now

my family is not normal

and it's not everything..

Shadow still remains..

A sorrow

lies in my soul

is so deep.


I cut it in half,

try to take out the core,

it's so large,

and its shell still remains

in the depth ..


It haunts me

like a ghost..


It's gone a long time ago already,

but still the shadow remains..


And drops of sorrows

move slowly

on the surface of my skin,

and drop from

the edge of the world ..

Family as a "Core" of You Life

You are just like me.

We both come from " Broken Family ".

We both know family is important.


'Cause

" Family " is the smallest unit on Earth,

but it's " Core " of your life.


We cannot choose the right one

from the beginning.

We cannot change our fate,

if you are born in that family.


But only thing we can do is

creating new one of our own.


I know I won't do the same thing

as they did to me.

They cannot affect my personality.

Because it doesn't exist in me.


I will give all my love and caring,

instead of hatred and violence.


I think we can do it,

even though we never receive it

from original one.

Because those negative things

have never existed in me.


At least,

It's good to know

I'm not like them at all.

I hate what they did to me.


I will cut all these chains of

vice from this vicious circle

received from my families.


Then,

I will be totally free.


I know

you are just like my real " imaginary friend ".

You have so much in common with me in life,

that's why, maybe,

I always like you and attracted by you.


And

My dream is to hold

a family with a smile

on their faces ..

I know, maybe

it's not that difficult for me to do it..

BROKEN FAMILY

My father is

a violent man.


My mother killed

herself.


I come from a

Broken Family.


My families are torn apart,

as you can expect.


My brother is a hater,

the other one is an

ignorant.

Both Cold-hearted..


They don't feel anything,

but just feel sorry for themselves.

They don't have any compassion towards the others.


They hide their cold hearts

behind their " masks "

of hypocricy.


So that

I come from the " Broken Family "..

in which I really hate.

" My Own Strength " to live through

People outside of my family

used to say

I am the only one

who has the sanity

in its mind.


and also often ask

" How could you live through this ?

Your life could've been much worse than this

within that family .. "


Maybe, I would say,

because I have " My own strength "

to get me through it.


I stand alone.

I survive with my own strength.

Those people cannot let me down.


I know nobody would come to help

if you don't stand alone

with your own strength.

People often don't come to console your soul.


I pull myself together and

I believe in my own strength.

That's why I could live through my life

up till now.

Is this called a " Depression " ? ..

I'm floating in the air

from time to time

feeling so sad for no reasons.


It is a cold winter day,

maybe the coldest in this winter

and maybe that is the reason why


I'm on an emotional jet coaster.

It shifts from one to another,

also the air pressure changes

every time I go up and down..


I don't know what to do with myself

for this change..


Is this called a " Depression " ?

Or maybe, it is.


I let it all that out from my guts

now I feel so empty.

Maybe it is a natural thing

to be depressed

after being through all these things in life ..


I hate winter time,

because it makes me feel so blue..

I'm fed up with this gray sky..

I hope the spring will come and arrive soon ..

" Poetic Diary "

I am writing this

as my will

or leave something

to make me think back

someday,

what I've been through

at the certain point of my life ..


This is called a

" Poetic Diary " as my will

that makes me or someone

someday

read back the thing I wrote today.

Appreciation of Life

You don't need to have

a fancy dinner

at a gorgeous restaurant.


Or buy a flashing car

and drive around

to show it off,


Or even stay in

a roof-top royal suite room

at 5 star hotel

to make you feel so happy.


This might make you feel so good

for the moment,

but this satisfaction

doesn't last forever,

and it doesn't make you happy in long-term.


After you had a dinner,

you go back to your hotel room

and feel so empty

being isolated from the rest of the world

and make you cry..


What you really need

is to look for a little happiness

besides you..


Appreciation for the kindness,

and the beauty of the nature,

and the beauty of the nature

of the people and animals, too.


This is called an " Appreciation of Life ".


You need to realize a little happiness by your side.

It will make you happy the rest of your life.

What is the beautiful thing in the world ?

It took me the worst

to realize

what is really the beautiful thing

in the world.


Just a small thing in life

can bring you a little hope

and happiness,

and makes you smile..


Just a warm greeting voice,

or a light from

in between the winter clouds,

or just a small flower

blooming at the corner

of your side walk..


You never know

what can bring you

a little happiness to your life.

And at certain point of your life,

it could save your life, too..

With Love of my life

I am a love of my life,

that is something

people cannot change.


I bring all the broken pieces

together

to construct

new structure of me.


At the edges of my mouth,

a little lifted ..


Hope are not yet gone,

and I'm still staying here

hanging on the edges

of the world

that used to be..


I am the love of my life.

Even though

there isn't anyone

who really loves me,

I can become one

who really care and love my soul

and console it ..


With all my love to my life,

I would be able to save my soul one day..

Place with Sun

I was watching

the ceiling and walls

in the air

at the hospital room.


Tubes were injected,

and my viens were swollen

I was a little unconscious,

asking myself

" What the hell,

am I still alive ? .. "


I thought it was a death sentence,

but the death sentence was

a little extended this time,

I am still alive,

saved at the edge of the cliff

And save it for the next time, maybe.


The first burden is gone..

I hope the second will be the same.


I'm here, still alive.

I start thinking of my second life,

if I have a chance to live,

with Sun.


I don't wanna stay here and die.

I'm looking for a place with Sun,

as a place to live

not to die.

Where am I going tomorrow ? ..

明日は

何処に行くのだろう？

この躰と共に。

重りから

解放された躰には

まだ

歩く力は

残って

いるのだろうか。。

" Released from my burden " interpretation

重りから解放された躰は、

宙に舞う。


そして、

地面に辿り着くまで

半分気を失ったようだ。


まるでそれは、

やわらかく

軽く小さな

鳩の表皮からでる羽毛が

風に揺られ、

それとともに、

中身を失った、

皮だけになったその鳩の躰が

右へ左へと

車が通る度に吹く

風に吹かれて、廻る度に

違う方向へと折りたたまれていくようだ。


そしてその

風に吹かれる度に

その羽毛は宙に舞い

失われて行く。

そして、

春の始まりの空気の中へと

飛び立っていく。


それは冬の終わりと

春の始まりの狭間の空間。


その重りの詰まった躰の

私はもうここにいないのかと

想像する。。

I'm resealed from the burden

その重りから解放された

躰は、ひらひらと宙に舞い、

蛻の殻となって

地面に降り立つ。


その躰からは、

柔らかく小さな羽毛が

飛び立ち、

その中身を失った躰は、

丸くなって

横たわっている。


皮だけになった躰は、

今はただ

車が通るたびに吹く

風に

ひらひらと、

揺られているだけ


私はもう、

ここには

いないのかもしれない。

My Garden Roses..

My life is getting back

its colours again.


My monotone garden roses

are returning to be

pink and yellow,

but still fiable and faint.


It's all up to my next big thing,

the operation.


But, at least

there is a " Hope "..

A Hope.

Now I feel

a little calm,

because my medical examination's result

was not as bad as

I thought.


But, we never know, still.


At least, the risk is lowered

and my anxiety is getting reduced.


I hate being in a hospital

but, at least

I can try to make me feel like

I'm going on a vacation

with my suitcase packed

with the things I need

for 2 weeks or also.


There isn't an outside swimming pool,

There is no fancy bar,

I'm sure I won't be appreciated

with the foods they provide us.


But,

at least

my anxiety is reduced.


My doctor said

we never know until

he opens my guts.

But, still

there is a good sign

to make me feel

that I will be able to live

a little longer..


That is called a " Hope "

A Big Surf.

My emotion is like a

Big Wave.


I'm fighting on it,

but just release your power

a little bit

and ride on it.


Then you become a

controller of the big waves

in the ocean.


You can handle it

if you release the power of

resistance a little bit.


Just ride on it

so that you will be able to

surf on it.


Just let it go and follow,

you are the surfer on the big emotions.


There's nothing to be afraid of,

you reach the peak and go down

and it will take you to the shore

safely in the end.


Just release your power

a little bit,

and you will be safe.


Just ride on it

so that you will be able to surf on it safely ..

My mood changes just like a weather..

My mood

changes like a weather

from one to another..


At certain point,

I feel cheerful,

then suddenly,

it falls like a parachute.


It's changing

from one to another

just like a weather.


I can't help it


Maybe just because

it's winter time

or maybe for

some other reasons..


My mood changes

just like a weather ..

" La goccia di felicità .. "

What ever it's called,

rain or

tears from heaven,


I had a sip

of water drops

from the weeping sky ..


Is this the drop of hope or happiness

" La goccia di felicità " ? ..


One of my Mexican friends,

she used to call

the last drop of something

" La goccia di felicità ",

it brings you a " happiness " in life.

Siren Sings ..

The girl

who whispered

was a thing

you created in your mind.


She's like a Siren

who allures you

to the hell's gate..


You are an sailor on the ship.

You hear the Siren's singing.

and she invites you

onto the rock

to be stranded..


Now you're stuck in the middle of nowhere

in the vast ocean ..

and about to sink


Still see

Sirens are dancing around you,

with laughter in the water.

When she tries to kiss you,

you drink only the bubbles

from her mouth.


You start to lose your consciousness

and she is still singing

until you get to the bottom..


You are not able to hear her voice any more,

but smile with your eyes closed

and when she finally kisses you,

she takes your last breath away...


You are dreaming of Siren

on the wrecked ship forever

sailing ..


She ruins your life,

then

she lives

forever ..


And now she gets her " eternal life "

as an exchange of your heart ..

Faces I could remember ..

Even though

I don't quite remember well,

there must have been

some happy times

when my mother

was still alive.


Although

I lost almost all

memories about her

when she was gone.


All I could remember

was some pieces

of humble times.


That was all I could remember

as if she never existed in me,

she disappeared..


Maybe

it was my dream ...

some happier times

in my memories,

which never existed

before I was born

after she's gone..


All I could remember was

her sad faces

and when went mad

before she killed herself ..


That was all I could remember

about my mother..

Maybe, she's gone already in me ..

Stepping towards the gallows..

My life is just like a Dead End.

I have a dead end life.


Instead of

" Happy Endings ",

my line always ends like

stepping towards gallows,

and swallowed into darkness.


I heavily feel

each step

on the staircase towards it.


At the very last moment,

I feel

the hanging blade

above my head

awaits me.


I hope

my life won't end like this.


Hope Not..

Angel's wings to fly

I feel like

I have wings to fly.


Just like an Angel,

those wings are invisible,

created naturally on my back.

They were born and growing

spontaneously

without notices.


They will take me

where ever I want to go.


Maybe,

it is to heaven,

perhaps,

or better,

I wish.


These wings

reduce

the burden on my shoulders.

I feel lighter, anyway.


It's nice to have

wings to fly again.


I dream of

flying over the gray sky,

to see the light above the clouds.

Heavy Rains

When we had heavy rains,

I used to go on my bicycle

to sing loudly.


'Cause nobody hear

that I'm singing,

and

nobody see me crying.


and nobody hear

what I'm shouting.


So that

rain erase my voice,

only my heart knows my voice,

and ease my soul

All by myself

It's good to know

that I've been through

all this

all by myself.


It's nice to realize

that I have that strength

left in me

in order to

go through this.


I can do all this

all by myself.


Now

it's better to be myself

rather than

rely on anybody.


It's nice to know

I can make it

all that happen

all by myself.


So that

I don't need to rely on

anybody ..


In the end,

we are all alone.

We have to live

all by ourselves ..

Staying inside until you bleed ..

You are just like me.

You stay inside

until you bleed.


You don't call for help

just like me.


You know

nobody would come

and 're scared to be

turned down.


You are just like me.

You came from

Broken Family.


You cannot easily trust

anybody..


You think

it's better to stay alone

rather than being rejected.


Life has turned me down

already.


I had enough

disappointments.


I don't need them

any more.


It's enough

already

before I go.

Fate ~ I'm going to where I'm led to .. in the end ~

I've just realized

I'm going through this

all alone.


There was no help at all.


I was all alone.


I knew

everyone was blinded.

They try not to see

the scar on

someone else's face.


Why do they talk to me

like being with Zombie ?

I'm still alive,

not dead, yet, though

they think I'm dead already.


I'm going to

where I'm led to ..


I cannot change my fate ..


Meaningless thing

would be

the most meaningful thing

in the end..


Who knows ?


Who knows our fates ? ..


Nobody

Heading to My Paradise

My days will be gone soon.

I'm running out of time.


I have just a little time left

for the final sentence to death.


My mind all should be

cleared by them.


Then,

my departure will be

ready

to " My own Paradise "..

'Til the death tear me apart from there

'til the death

tear me apart

from there

I continue writing..


I don't wanna leave

anything unsaid.


When I depart from Earth,

there will be nothing

to be left unsaid.


'cause I don't wanna leave

anything behind..

Broken Flying Bird on the ground

Once I dreamt of

flying over the

blue sky,

higher above from there

I wanted to see

the scenery on the ground.


But

Maybe

it was better just

crawling on the ground

from the start.


I've seen the beautiful sky already.


Now I feel like

I'm in a living hell.


If I had never seen the blue sky,

I didn't mind

to live in a total darkness

blinded.


I am a Bird with broken wings.


Now,

all I can do is

to crawl on the ground.

Water pond seems so far away from here.

It takes me ages

to get there

just to drink a sip of water ..


It took me just a

second to reach

when I had open wings..


Now

I just need to crawl on the ground

with my broken wings.


I wish

I'd never seen a blue sky.

Risky expectations

Expectation is dangerous.

You are pushed

from the edge of the cliff

later on.


If you don't expect at all,

you don't need to

fall on the ground

from the height.


It might be better being

on the ground

than being higher

above the sky

so that

you don't need to fall

and being hurt or broken.


So

just stay on the ground.

and Don't dream ..

Fetch me so soon .. and take me away

Death is strangling me.

I want to go there soon.

Because

I've done almost everything

that I wanted to do.


Death is calling me.

Please come to fetch me soon.


Death is coming towards me.

I don't mind

if I die soon.

Because

I've done almost everything

that I wanted to do.


I've been to the places

I wanted to visit,

and I had enough happy times,

not like my childhood.


My dream has finally come true

so that

I don't need to live

any longer ..


My childhood dream has been

accomplished that

" I wanna be happy .. "

And my happier family dream

would be saved for my next life.


So let me be taken away.

Because

I had already enough on Earth.

Riding on a surf of my emotions

Sometime

I ride on a stream,

a stream of my emotions

flow into the air

with words

come from my soul.


And I ride on a surf

of my emotions.

I'm going to wherever

surf takes me.


I don't know

where to end up.

Just let it go

and I will follow you

and you'll finally take me there.


So Just ride on it.

You're not my man.

I thought

you would be the one

I thought

you could understand me

I thought

we could get together

having fun

just by staying together

and having a conversation

with each others.


But you have broken them down

with your song.


You said I'm " dead "

in your song,

then said

you don't want to see my happy faces.


I don't want to stay with the man

who feel this way,

I want to be with the one

who feel happy

to see a smile on my face.


Would you want me to die ?

If I die,

Will you be satisfied ?

If I will do so soon,

I will haunt you.

Do you want to see

my sad death mask ?

Is that what you want ? ..


I was just unlucky again.

You are not the man

I wanted.

Now I know well.


There's nothing left

to be said

about you.



2019/01/26 and today.

Truth will be revealed..

Sadness reveals

what you really are

and Let it show

who you really are.


And if they see

the truth of yourself,

Let them judge you.


I'm what you see

there's nothing to hide

any more.


Let them judge you

on who you are

if you show everything

in front of them.


Even though

there's no friend left,

you become your friend to yourself.


It's the only faithful friend

exist on Earth.


So, don't betray yourself,

and Be true to yourself

and then,

they will see the truth in you.


Truth will be revealed in the end

at each one's heart,

showing

who you really are

and who they really are..


There's nothing to lose

any more

if the truth is revealed..

You are yourself in the end.

" You are not your skin "

People judge on

what they see

on your skin.

It is called prejudice.

But it's not everything.


Tattoos on your skin

is what your scars become.


" So don't let them judge you on

what they see on your skin. "


I know you're the loneliest person

on Earth

just like me, Nikki.

I know well

" You are not your skin. "


Don't let them judge you

from what is seen

from outside.


And don't be afraid to show

what you really are,

who you really are


So that people will see your smile

and true colors,

and then, they will start to love you, too..


So you will be not all alone

And I will love you always.


* " You are not your skin "
is a quotation of the lyrics
from song called " Skin " by Sixx a.m.

Writing poetry, instead.

I don't write a diary.

I write a poetry instead

to express myself,

and how I feel

at the moment.


It releases the burden of my soul

that's why

I love writing poetry instead

to express my feelings.


Words flow into the air

and I try to catch them

and find the words

which fit to my mood of my soul

at that moment.


You cannot predict before hand

what kind of poetry is

about to be born

until it finishes.


I feel better doing it

rather than

expressing in exact words.


So, this is the way I do

to release the burden of my soul.

" Feel so connected " continued..

My soul will be saved

by having

those kinds of connections in life,

I guess.


Having those kinds of connections,

my soul will be saved

at the end of the day

Prescription

I went to see psychiatrist

the other day.


He was kind

and listened to my stories.

But his treatment would not help

my darkest side

because he just gave me

a prescription.

There will be no more

talking session as counseling.


At last,

I had a medicine.

But it was not something

that I wanted or looked for.


I just need

someone to talk to ..

Fatal Disease..

My deepest sorrow is

just like a fatal disease.


It flies in my head

just like a butterfly.


I'm not flattered,

in fact,

it's other way round..


It seems to go away

but it comes back

from time to time.


It's just like a fatal disease.


It will never go away

like leaving shadows

on my heart.


Those butterflies will never go away.


Just like a heart failure,

there is always a shadow of those butterflies

like a stain on my heart..

Surgery won't work on my sorrows..

I wanted to take out

my deepest sorrow

but it won't be taken away

even by surgery


So what can I do ?


It stays as well as pleasure

within our hearts

so that it will never go away.


Just like old friend,

it stays

and just like our shadow

it won't be separated from us

as long as we stay on Earth.


It will never go away

so we just need to learn

how to cope with it..


Just like at the moment of joy,

also this moment of sadness

we have to accept them all.


Even though

it's tough to learn ..

So don't try to throw it away

The reason why I'm writing.

Maybe

I'm writing this

to be remembered

any how.


As a proof of my life,

and my existence

on Earth.


To be recalled

I existed here once

at that exact moment.


The moment might be

layered in your life, too.


So I want to be remembered

after I'm gone

some how..


That's why I continue writing

till the end of my days.

Bonjour Tristesse

Bonjour Tristesse,

I live today

so I feel the sorrow.


Bonjour Bonheur,

Hey, I'm happy

because I live today.


Hello every sentiment of my life.

I live today

that's why I feel all these emotions.


Sadness is part of your life,

as well as happiness

and many others.


I still live today

that's why I feel them.

So let me accept all these sorrows

as well as others.


So that maybe I won't be haunted

by the sorrow anymore ..

Escape from " La catena di tristezza "

『　私は

溢れ出る悲しみから

逃れようとして来た。

そしてそれを追い払う術を

身に付けようとしていた。。』


I was trying to escape from

the sorrow which flows out

from my heart.

And I was searching for

the way to dismiss it ..


But now I defeated against it.

I've realized that

I shouldn't have made it go away

because it always stay there

and haut me.


Now I know

all I have to do was just

" to accept "

the sorrow

as part of my life,

rather than escape from it,

just like " pleasure " or other sorts of emotions.

And then,

it becomes a hope

to continue to live my life again.


Just accept as it is

as a living proof ..

and let them flow

Just accept it as a living proof ~ 悲しみから逃れる術 ~

絶え間ない悲しみが

私を襲って、

苦しめようとする。


私は、そこから

逃げ切れることが

できるのだろうか？・・


その答えは、

永遠に

みつからない。


あるとしたら、

それは

私がここに

「生きているから」。


でもそれを、

死をもって断ち切ろうとしては

いけない。


何故なら、

自らそうすることで、

その悲しみは

周りにも普及し、

死後も更に

加速していってしまうから。


それこそ、

永遠に

逃れなれなくなってしまう。


それはきっと、

その悲しみの

ありのままの姿を

受け入れること。

そして、

そのような感情が

正常であるということを。


よろこびや、

悲しみもまた、

私たちが

生きている証に

違いない。

The reason why I like French literature and movies

People look

or they try to look like

they are " happy ".


But in reality, they aren't.


People don't show

what they are really feeling

if it's not a positive emotion.


Maybe

it is just because

the pressure comes from

the community,

society,

and its mentality.


In some countries in Europe,

such as France,

people don't really mind

showing their negativeness

and get down deeper

to figure out

" Why " it's occurred.


That's why I love

French literature and movies,

because they often reveal

the other side of our " Happy Faces ",

which isn't normally seen on our surface.


However,

even though it's questioned,

there is no clear answer

to " Why do we feel this way ? .. "


Maybe

it is the question

that we carries out until

our final moments,

but we cannot still

give correct answer to it.


We drag these feelings

to our final moments

and still

we cannot figure out " Why "


Deeper sentiments

hidden behind

those " happy faces ",

sadness,

darkness,

ugliness,

egoism,

resentfulness,

envies,

or what so ever

categorized as " negative feelings "

which comes from

deeper ourselves

cannot be resolved

until the last moment.


These are the things

we cannot solve

within our lives.


Maybe

that's why people often call it

" C'est la vie " ..

Go faster to live & Slow down to death

When I was younger,

I was not afraid of death.

I didn't mind

if I die tomorrow.


Live for the moment,

Think the rest later,

What was important

was to give life to

the each moment.


There was nothing to be regretted,

as long as I lived for today.

Think about tomorrow

when it comes,

if it comes.


It didn't matter

how long I was going to live.

I had that strength

and energy

to blow everything

in front of me..


Now,

those days have gone.

I sit all alone

in my house.

There's nobody to talk to

to share my sprit with.


I don't know

if I'm satisfied with all,

the life after the separation

from my cursed family.

My departure was the

moment to live

from such a deadlock situation

and I started my new life

and I survived.


It was such a long time ago,

but it seems yesterday

and all comes back to my mind

how I felt

and all my pain inside.


Those days were not my

best time of my life,

but I was trying my best

to survive

and go ahead.


But now,

I get older,

and my strength is dying out.

I had enough with those fights.

Now I don't mind losing the game at all.

That's all different from

long time ago.


After all those years,

I had some

happier moments than these.


Maybe, I'm satisfied with these experiences already.

Maybe, there's no more left on Earth

to push me harder to go to the next stages.

So I may not need to go any further any more..


I'm at the edge of the cliff.

I don't know

which way I may go..

Going towards the deadly cliff

I'm not deteriorated

I'm just falling

into the depth.


I'm not dying

but I feel like

I'm going towards

the death.


Everyone is going towards

that direction,

whether they realize it or not.


I just feel like

my speed towards death

is accelerated

more than ever ..


I'm on the half way to the

deadly cliff


Am I going to

jump out from the there

to the other side ?


Will I be saved

or not ?


Will I reach

the other of the cliff

or fall ? ..


Nobody knows their fates,

but we can sense

if the death is closer ..


After jumping out from the cliff,

I will fly ..


Nobody knows

the fate of my motor cycle

until the death tears me apart from there

and fall

C'est la vie..

Things doesn't go

as I wish

or as I planed.


Maybe,

that is the life

Very last wish for my last breath

If I die tomorrow,

what have I left

to be done ? ..


I don't know.

It's a sudden question

like a red theatre curtain of death

suddenly falls on my head.


I don't know

what I want to do..


I probably sit there

thinking of my

very last moment..


Maybe I'm not able to

concentrate on

doing anything else.


And the clock is still

ticking

to the last moment

of my breath..


Maybe all I can do is

just to wish

to be calm

to face my own death.


I don't know.

What else can I do ? ..


My mind just go blank

until the very last moment


and then,

time will be run out.

TORTURERS

People who

torture the others

haven't got a heart

to feel

how much

people who are tortured

hurt.


When they become

other way round,

would they finally

feel the pain

and regret

what they have done ?

Or just scream out

their own pains

and

behave like

they are the only one

who suffers ?


I've seen so may people like that

in my life already.


There's nothing more to expect that

those people would turn to be a

good-hearted in the end.


Cold-hearted would

never turn out to be

Warm-hearted.


I knew that already.

Their own cruelty doesn't count

People don't care

about cruelty

if it's towards the others.


But people do care

if it's towards them.


They don't mind

killing the others.


But they do care

when they are killed.


That is the " law "

which works in the most

Western countries

and many others.

Walking on a Red Dead Sea

When loneliness bites you

in the air,

it bites your neck

and suck your blood,

and it becomes

Red Dead Sea of Blood.


It spread rapidly on a dried land

as if blood sucks the Earth.


Now you are about to drown

in a Red-blooded Sea

and call somebody for help

but nobody was there.


When you finally get to the shore,

you start to drink your own blood

from the Read Dead Sea to survive.


Nobody come for days,

it seems like for ages.


I saw people ages ago,

and now almost have forgotten

the languages to speak.


Sun burns above my head,

there's no water around,

the only thing I can drink

is my own blood

from the Salty Red Sea

to extend my life..


That salty red water

melts on my tongue

taste like some kind of raw glue

and my throat becomes

thirst to death.


I'm walking on a Read Dead Sea,

which is about to be dried.


As my throat is dried out,

there is no voice to scream for help

any more.

No more words come out from my mouth.


I close my thirsted eye lids

under the burning sky,

Sun seems always there

while I sleep or am awake.


My exhaustion is at the peak.

When I see the last blink of the light,

I feel faint

and I lose consciousness in the end ..


And I wake up

on my bed again

on my red bed linen,

and I think to myself

" It's all over .. it was just a dream "

Water drops become icy hail when they reach water puddle on the ground

What is the thing

you have to overcome ?


That might be the sadness,

That might be the loneliness,

That might be the madness in you


Deep sorrow flows

as you watch in the air.


You see water drops in the air.

Is that called rain ?

Or is it called tears ? ..


What is floating

in the sky of your inner space,

maybe it's just called Whatever.


You watch it as it falls down.


It flows slowly

in the air,

and that drop is floating

for a while,

And then suddenly drops

onto the water puddle

on the ground.


Even its splash is in slow motion,

and its water is

crystal clear and icy cold.


You watch it

as it goes by,

flows and falls down.


People call it

rain

or tear's drop

or maybe just " whatever ".


It doesn't matter

what is called.

It comes out

from my mind

and flows into the air.


As I watch it goes by,

floating in the air,

suddenly it drops

onto the ground.


Water drops and falls.

Someone wish for it not to fall,

but it has a fate to do so.


When it falls down on the ground,

it looks crystal clear

and becomes pieces of

icy hail

broken into pieces.


And when Sun comes up later on,

it melts onto the soil

and then,

you wake up again.



Water drop becomes icy hail

when they reach

water puddle on the ground.

Feel more connected

It's a cold

and rainy

winter day.


Today I've found

everyone's got something

inside of them.


I feel fine.

I feel more connected.


I feel better

finding

I'm not the only one..

The place I want to be buried..

I know

where I'll be buried.

That is

at the beneath of the hill,

overlooking the ocean.


There is a temple

in the place

where my ancestors

used to live.


This is the place

I want to be buried.

This is the place

where I feel connected,

free and safe,

and that I finally return

my ancestors' longing home.

It's in my blood.


This is the place

I want to return and buried

at the end of my journey

throughout my past to the moment

There will be Another Door ..

Loneliness

drives you crazy.


You inject yourself

to fill the emptiness

so that you don't need to feel

the loneliness any more.


But that is a disguise.

It is just an illusion.

The reality is the same.


If it is the only way

to escape from the reality,

that is wrong, you know that.


You need to face the reality,

even it's too painful to see.

But if you overcome the pain,

it will open the another door

which leads your life

to another dimension.


So there will be another door

to open your life.

N.S.'s diary

I listened to your songs

and read your diary.


I think

you are as lonely as me.


You have

a painful childhood

like me.


You don't have a family,

just like me.


So, I feel like

I'm not the only one who suffer.


Thank you for sharing this,

Nikki Sixx.


* I've just found that " diary " and the album
which were in my shelve for a while,
in this morning by chance.
I bought them before,
but I haven't really read or listen to it until now.
Now, it is the right moment.

Haunted by my family

It's not my family,

It is my enemy.


I really regret that

I was born in that family.


The family is cursed.


I wish next time

I'll be born

in a happier family.


Not Like This At All,

which has been haunting me

all my life.


I just want to be with people

who have hearts next time.

The Silent Violence

The Violence in my family

was Silent.


No one shouldn't

tell it to

the outside of the family.


The Silent Violence continued

and it still continues in my head.


The Violence in the family

is muted

but it comes out

from my mouth.


The Silence has been broken

Just a small wish for my next life

No worries,

there is no one who hurt me anymore.


But still my memories strangle me.

That was my father.


And the tragedy of my mother

still affects in my life.


All of my family and relatives are cursed.

I mean, most of them.


I hope it will go away one day

without taking my life away.


That is the invisible scar

on my wrist.


They are lifted

when I have nothing else to do

or especially during the happiest time for families,

the holiday seasons

and also around my birthday.

They are not the happiest time at all.

In fact, it is the worst time of the year

with lots of suffering in me.


Will I be able to have happier moments

while I still live ?


Or is it better to save it for my next life

to wish for

when I'll be reborn ?


This is such a small wish for that

" I want to be happy "

or " happier person " within an ordinary family

without any violence.


Will I be able to make it come true one day ? ..

I really make a wish for it.

Wishing lists

If there are things left

in which I really wanted to do

but I haven't done yet so far ,

that would be

reading my poetry

in front of other people,

joining poetry reading in NYC.


I'd love to go back to New York, once again..


And then, visiting some places in Europe,

the beautiful places around Aegean Sea

in which I have not visited yet ..


If there are other things I haven't accomplished yet,

that would be ..

- Have a happy family
- Be(come) happy
- Enjoy staying with nice people, without suffering
- Having a happy time


" I just wanna be happy "

This is the answer to my life,

because people don't see my sufferings

" Just wanna be happy .." ~ A tribute to John Lennon

When John Lennon was asked

by his teacher in his class

" What do you wanna be in the future ? "

He answered,

He wanna to be " Happy "

and then, all his classmates

laughed at him.


And he thought to himself,

" People don't know

what really " Happiness " means. "


I know what you mean, John,

because I feel the same.


I just wanna be happy

rather than being a doctor,

or pilot or anything like that.


I just wanna be happy

What was missing in between us ? ..

I thought

We had many things in common,

and we probably liked each others.


But there was something blocking

in between us.


I didn't know

whether it's someone

or something else.


I didn't even know

whether it was our fate or not.


We have so many things in common, still.

We love domestic animals,

We love art,

We love music,

We love cooking at home,

We love beautiful thing to watch

and take pictures of them

from our perspectives.

We love talking to each others

and it's just fun.


So what was missing in between us, then ?


We love same kind of place to have coffee,

We love watching moon,

We love writing poetries..


So what was missing in between us ?


I thought, at that time,

it was just a little courage to say

we wanted to stay together,

but maybe it was just all my illusion.


And those days have gone

and fall apart.

Death Sentence

This is just like a

Death Sentence.

How long

will I be able to live?


How long will my heart beat

and when will it stop beating ?


It's like

knowing for how long

I will be able to live.


Knowing this,

my life would be more concentrated

and motivated

without wasting each moment

when I'm still on Earth.


Until the Death

come to

knock on my door

and take my soul away

to the other side.


When will it end ?


I need a little more strength to know and face it.

With the shadow of my death

Without the shadow of my death,

my life would have been different.


My life was quite cheerful

until recently.


Early spring flowers

in my garden

smiled at me.


But now,

it loses its colors

and becomes all black and white.


I have no one to

hold in my arms.


I have no one to

encourage me.


There is no one

who gives me more strength

to live.


I feel like

it doesn't matter

if my World Ends tomorrow.

Because I had already enough with it.

And there's no reason

why I want to continue

living on Earth.

Because I have no one

who cares and loves me

any more.


I have no one left on Earth

to hold my hands

when I leave the Earth..

There will be another passengers on Earth.

Don't worry

even though I'll die soon,

there will be nothing at all.


The World won't be affected.

The World carries on

just like usual

and the World continues

with other people on it.


The Earth has continued like that always.

It changes its passengers,

but still carries on.


So don't worry,

the World will carries on just like yesterday,

even after I die,

It won't end.

When my World ends, there will be nothing at all.

When my life ends,

the World still carries on

without me,

as if nothing had happened.


Imagine the world without me,

but it will continue

just like the day before,

as if my existence

didn't mean anything at all.


There will be a World without me.

But who really cares

if I'm still part of it or not ?


It's just a small thing.


Who really cares

if I'm still alive or dead ?


There will be a World without me.

There will be no one to mourn

when my life ends

because my existence doesn't mean

anything at all to anyone.


And Life goes on as usual

Moment of void, falling into a pitfall.

I'm trying to keep myself busy,

While I feel a little emptiness

in me.


When I keep myself busy,

I'm fine.


But, when I stop doing something,

suddenly,

there is a moment of void

and I fall into a pitfall,

to a dark, deep, rabbit hole

inside of me.


I'm falling down

and try to close my eyes,

but I still can see


Time goes backwards.

Pieces of my memories become

cut moving pictures

and start to flow in the air.

I can see the pieces of images of my past

as I fall down.


When I get down to the bottom,

it is a kinda soft,

a little wet,

and slightly dark

like being in a

someone's stomach.


I lay on the " tongue "

until I'm finally able to sleep

without any thoughts

after the exhaustion,

and I sleep like a stone..

Will I see the spring again ? ..

My life will be changed soon.

But I don't know how, yet.


Will I be dying

or will I be living ?


Will I die

or continue living ?


Will I see the spring again

with full of flowers blooming

in front of my eyes

after the long cold winter ?


長く寒い冬があるからこそ、

花で溢れる春が

うつくしく見えるのかもしれない。


I hope it will be on Earth, still.


I hope to see the beautiful spring again

after the long cold winter

will be gone ..

巡りめく季節の風景を

いつもよく

季節の移り変わりを

題材にして、

そこに気持ちを乗せて

詩を書いたりしているが、


ふと、

「一体これから何度

この同じ

巡ってくる季節の風景を

観れるのだろうか」と

思った。


何気ない

当たり前だと思っていた

巡りめく季節の移り変わりの風景を

ふと、

あと何回、

観れるのだろうか、と。

死を恐れる病と、死を恐れない恐怖。

死を恐れる病と、

死を恐れない恐怖。


死を恐れる余りに、

”今”この瞬間を

精一杯やりきれないことと


死を恐れないあまりに

その死を乗り越えてしまう場合もある。


その死を恐れる恐怖があるからこそ、

人は自制が効くし、

大切に生きようともする。



どちらにせよ、

後悔するようなことは

しないようにしなければならない。


一度死んでしまったら、

あとには引き返せないのだから。

死を恐れる恐怖。

死とは、

それは我々が

”無”になること。

自分の個体としての存在が、

この世界の中から去り、

魂ごと”無”の存在の状態になることだ。


では何故人はその”死”を恐れるのか。

その死を恐れるあまり、

今この生きている瞬間がおろそかになる

場合もある。


我々は、この肉体の死のあと、

天国や地獄に行くのではない。

それは「観念」の世界の話だ。


一体、我々が生まれる前の状態のことを

覚えている人はこの世界で何人いるのだろうか？


死とは、我々が生まれる前の状態に戻っていくということ。

そうそれは完全な「無」の状態である。

肉体の死とは、そこに宿る精神の死を同時に意味する。


死んでしまえば、何も感じることはできない。

この世に躰がなくなってしまえば。

肉体がなくなってしまった後も、

存在し続けることは

できないのだ。


そこには、

この世で自分が思い残したことが

あった時のみ、

肉体が無くなったあとにも、

その心が

空中に浮遊している場合も

あるのかもしれない。


だから、

この今生きている

一瞬一瞬を大事にして

この世で自分の思ったことをやりきるように

しなければいけない。


最期の瞬間に「いい人生だった」と

思えることが、

本当に良い人生だったのではなのでは

ないだろうか。


我々はいつか、

皆最後はそこに

向かっている。


だから今生きている瞬間を

大切に生きなければいけない。


死を恐れるあまり、

この今生きている瞬間を

疎かにしては、

いけないのだ。

躰と魂の関係

我々の魂は

我々の肉体が続く限り

そこに宿り続けることができる。


逆に言えば、

もうそこにその肉体が無くなってしまえば、

そこに宿ることはできない。


躰と魂は、

運命共同体なのである。



我々は、例え

どんなに辛い思いをしたとしても

そのことで

肉体は死なない。


逆に言えば、

躰が滅んでしまえば、

いくら望んだところで、

そこに存在することはできない。


心の傷はその時のものでも、

肉体の傷は一生消えないもので

あったりもする。


例え心の傷が消えないものであったとしても

いつかは完治することもあるだろう。

しかし不治の肉体の病や傷は

心までも、死へと落とし込める。


しかしながら、

長引く心の病が体の病を引き起こすこともある。

だから、

心と体の両方を

大切にすることが必要。



いくら辛い思いをして

落ち込んだとしても、

そのことで

人間は死ぬことはない。


しかしもしそのことで、

自分の肉体を

傷つけてしまったとしたら

その傷は一生残る場合もある。


そのことで、

いくら体を傷つけたとしても、

心の傷は

消えないのである。


気持ちは、

一度死んだと思えば、

再生できるかもしれないが、

肉体は

一度滅んでしまえば、

そうはいかない。



だから、

今生きている

このそれぞれの瞬間を

肉体と心と共に

大切に生きなければ、と

私は思う。


そしてそれが

それぞれの最期の瞬間に、

意味の為すものと

なって行くだろう。

Die Young and Beautiful

I don't want to live

with my head down.


I don't wanna still live

when my mind would be

out of control.


I don't wanna live

with my body

losing mobility.


I would rather die

young and beautiful.



I don't wanna still live

when I become

one of those miserable old people

who mourn their lives all the time.


I would rather die

tomorrow

when I'm still young and beautiful.


So people would remember me.

Will I be remembered ? ..

If I die tomorrow,

Will somebody remember me ?


Will somebody think

they did care about me ?


Or will it be too late

after I will have been gone ?


Or there will be no one

in that place ? ..


Either way,

if I don't feel anything about it,

it wouldn't make any sense to me.


Because,

it means,

I don't have anyone, anyway

when I will be gone


Who really cares,

if I die tomorrow.

When the icy coffin melts, spring may come

When winter is over,

I will be over

I will lay down myself

in an icy coffin

with petals of flowers

above my face.


When icicle melts,

obstacles will be gone

Obstacles which hinder me from

going ahead or even dreaming.


I will lie down in my coffin,

until the spring will open

the heaven's door for me.


When the icy coffin melts,

I will come back to a life again

to see flowers blossoming

in front of my eyes.


Will it be a paradise or not ?

Will I be in heaven or somewhere on Earth ?


I will probably close my eyes again

to see whether it's heaven or not.


I will hear birds singing

I may close my ears

to find out whether it's real or not.


It might be not that important

whether it's in heaven or on Earth.

The important thing is

that I will be there one day

whether with my my eyes open or closed.


When the icy coffin melts,

spring may arrive

ahead of me ..

You will miss the winter when the Sun gets higher..

Rainy Day

with sunny spells

from time to time

on a cold winter day.


It changes like my heart.

I'm shifting from

bright to dark

and viceversa.


My winter cloud

is not that thick

nor too gray

like the one

in foreign countries

especially like the one I once saw in England ..

with No Lights,

you feel

as if you live under the ground.


You become a worm

which has never seen the lights,

and sleep until the spring comes

under the soil,

Until you realize

the first light you will see is

how bright and stings your eyes.


Then you'll get used to the light

until you forget

you come from

the underground.


And you will forget

how cold the winter was,

and you will miss the dark winter again

when the Sun gets higher above your head

and Sunshine becomes too bright to your eyes..


I will miss the winter again

when the Sun gets higher ..

and then,

when the Sun falls,

the winter starts again..


You will miss the winter

when the Sun gets higher above your head..